November 15th, 1999
Dearest Yarden,
It has been so long since I saw you last, unless you count that dream the other day when you hugged me. (I do count that!). Day after day goes by and you still don't show up like our cat Suchit did when she got lost. She was gone for a month and suddenly one day she was crying on the doormat waiting for her breakfast. But you're not missing. Just gone. It sounds so final. But you are here with me so often. I feel you in many ways and know you are somewhere safe.
Do you know that Naomi speaks of you often? She tells me again and again how she has an older brother (sometimes she calls you her sister!) who has gone away. You are "in the sky" - she says. She seems happy to have you as an older brother - even if you are nowhere to be seen. Maybe you come to Naomi in her dreams. How can I tell?
I am still sniffing your old cuddly teddy bears and blankets to see if maybe they have your smell on them. Usually they smell more of dust and I can imagine your mischievous smile as you see me sneeze.
Somehow, quite miraculously, I am surviving, even thriving many days. You taught me lots about what is precious: the here and now, the smell of the honeysuckle outside my window, my children, my family, touching and hugging.
I love you my child,
Your mommy, Audrey